Chaplaincy

Does anyone have any insight as to what it is like to participate in Prison Ministry or has anyone done their CPE in a prison? Or can anyone point me in the right direction of someone to talk to?

Enquiring Reverend boys want to know ….

Evangelism and That Blasted “Calling” Thing

Before I launch into this particular set of musings, two thoughts:

• In the Discernment Process, one of the things you are supposed to articulate is “What is your ministry and why do you need to be ordained to do it?”
• My friend, whom I call Deacon Rob (even though he’s not a Deacon yet, but he’s in school for it), said to me, “Some people in the process do nothing but speak of calling. Others do not speak of it at all, except in passing. You are one of those who do not speak of it.”

Over the past couple of months, I have been wrestling with this whole sense of calling thingy. This wrestling was brought on by no small part by my run-ins with Jesus (see here and here) over the summer. I feel as if I have begun to sense the price that is to be paid for living such a life in this particular vocation…it’s almost as if in some way you become sort of a public figure. I have to tell you there were times when I felt as if I wanted to look skyward and say “Do you mind? I’m trying to have a vacation here!”

Beach Day update …

Had a great time at the beach on Saturday … ran into some old friends, and saw one or two people I met in Key West (no matter where you go, if you are from NY, you will see people from NY).

But, yes, in case you all were wondering, I ran into none other than an Episcopal priest and his husband, and this time it was someone I knew from iNYC. He was officiating at services at the local community house on Sunday.

Note to self — update spiritual autobiography with heading “There is no escape.”

Who do I think I am, anyway?

Over the past few weeks I’ve been having something of a sort-of kind-of maybe “crisis of calling,” so to speak.

Readers will know of the financial angst I’ve been having over going to seminary.  Lately that has become exacerbated to the point so I have been thinking, “you know, I must be really crazy to do this.  What am I doing?  Who do I think that I am that God calling me to a life in the Priesthood?”

These thoughts usually come when I am feeling particularly stretched between the different demands / desires of my time.

Interestingly enough, these thought NEVER come up when I’m actually doing the work of the Church and doing my small bit to advance the Kingdom whether it’s doing altar guild duties at Immaculate Contraption, or running an Integrity meeting.  When those things are happening, there is no where else I’d rather be.  There is a sense of fulfillment, a sense of flow that is unlike anything else (well, except when I’m with SIR, but that’s a whole different kind of fulfillment and flow).

What does get frustrating are the Hoops and what seems to be an ever-increasing number of boxes which needs checks by them.  It started with …

See a therapist

See a Spiritual Director

Get involved in a Leadership position

Get involved in a Diocesan Committee

Pay down debt considerably, if not totally

And has now increased by these suggestions from different quarters ….

While you’re doing all this stuff, don’t let your current parish obligations slip too much

Keep a pastoral journal

I am sure there are very good reasons for all of this and why it is so tough, especially for a someone like me who is considered something of a convert since I was raised Baptist.  But still, it’s quite maddening and it just seems INSANE!

<sigh>

I was talking with my Spiritual Director about all of this stuff on Saturday.  The questioning apparently is absolutely normal and she warned me that as I go forward in the process and even through seminary these doubts and questions will arise from time to time and will probably get more intense.

We talked about all those checks in the boxes, and she reminded me that soon after those boxes appear, it seems as if ways open for me to mark checks in them … and she also reminded me that the three people I’m closest with (SIR, my Personal Atheist, and Sista girl) are my biggest cheerleaders and seem to be much more confident in my success than I am, and that these folks are not church-going people or religious by any means.

She asked if I would rather not be doing all the things I have to do to put checks in the boxes, and I remarked that the things I have been doing have been beneficial to me personally and I am seeing good things come out of them for the Body of Christ.  I’m not in a leadership role in iNYC just for the sake of doing it, and I am genuinely enjoying the work I’m doing with them and the subcommittee I’m on … I have examined myself to see WHY am I doing it, and ultimately I am doing them to bring the Church on local and larger levels to a place where I believe it can be. This is stuff I believe in.  The real work of the Church is not in the Church itself, but in the world.  We can’t be like a seminarian who doesn’t  leave the grounds his first year because he wants to be surrounded by Christian community 24/7.

None of this is really about me.  I can’t fix anything.  I am not a healer.  I am not the one who can effect change.  I am just present and want to be in a space to allow room for the Spirit to work and let people’s God-given gifts and talents manifest themselves.

“A-ha!” she says. “That’s the key element.  Don’t ever lose sight of that.  It is never about you or anyone else.  It’s all about being there and making room for God to do his thing in the lives of people.”

So, back to the original questions.

Who do I think I am, anyway?  Why am I doing this?

And the ever popular and “how on earth can I answer this question” question …

What is your ministry and why do you have to be ordained to fulfill that ministry?

All I can say is, it just seems to fit.  Just like a size 40-long suit fits me.  Oh, yes, I could very well focus on the academics and become a professor and write books.  I could contribute my time and talents to the work of the Church and do a lot of good.  But making room for the Spirit to work and being a sort of catalyst for letting folks talents and gifts come through just feels so right.  Being a catalyst.  A life of intercession whether it’s celebrating a eucharist or comforting someone who is bawling their eyes out.

Standing there with people and sharing in their struggles, their joys, their sorrows, just cannot compare with anything else I’ve done. There are very few other times when I feel so alive.

So here I am.  I have gotten in the boat and the river is taking me where the current leads.  The train has left the station and there’s no stopping it.  I don’t know where it will take me,  but I do know there is no where else I’d rather be.

Besides, SIR jokingly tells me I am probably unknowingly causing such a ruckus with the stuff that I’m doing they will put me into seminary just so I will be quiet.

Seminary Anxiety and Hope

Lately I’ve been very concerned about financing seminary, even though it will be September of 2010 or 2011 before I start. One of the projects the Diocese has given to me is to pay off or at least pay down considerably the student loans I have from my undergraduate studies. There is *some* financial aid out there but most of our seminarians come out with a great deal of student loan debt. In fact, the ratio of financial aid out there other than loans to the amount of need can be summed up as that of diddly / squat.

While I am dutifully paying more than the minimum payment in the hopes to get what is considered manageable, the thought keeps coming back to me … what is the point of getting out of debt with the intention of back in, and possibly the end result being even deeper in debt once seminary is finished?

This is the point where I tend to get the most frustrated. Not only do I need to pay off / down the existing loans, but I will also need to find a way to keep my apartment in the city, regardless of where I go to school AND just the general expense of daily living (like food, clothing, etc). I mean, it’s not like I will have a husband that I live with that will be able to take on a larger share of the expenses …