I think that is enough biography …

So that gives a pretty good idea of what I have been up to since I have fallen off the face of the blogosphere … Which is more than most would want to know, I am sure.

With it being a holiday weekend, I think I will poke my head in on some folks I haven’t visited in a while (and you know who you are!) and hopefully will get around to posting a few pictures of St. Peters being decked out for Pentecost Sunday, and some Ghost Tour pictures for the benefit of those who haven’t been subjected to it.

For the time being at least, I still have most of my mornings free since I work nights, so really there is no excuse as to why I can’t blog.

Jonah, meet Whale

Sometimes, one must be completely removed from their environment and sent into a wilderness in order to be tested and refined. (NOTE:  To see what it was like leaving New York, you can click on the tag “The Big Move” in the tag cloud on the sidebar). In Key West, I feel that the pieces that had previously been missing are now beginning at long last falling into place. Shortly after I arrived, I took a full time position as a tour guide and helped them launch a new Ghost Tour. After a period of time as a guide, I was offered a position as the Operations Manager for the tour, enhancing the training program,expanding the roster of tour guides, and giving the operation a framework of greater structure. My time as an Executive Assistant at an investment bank in New York allowed me to witness first hand all sorts of different management styles, and I applied the good things I learned to my current position. In the time I have been the manager, we have seen solid growth both in employment, retention, and number of guests who take our tour. (Side Note:  I’m helping create jobs and I am not even asking for a tax break!) My General Manager and I are constantly looking at ways to improve on the foundation that has been established, and we take our ideas for bringing the operation to a higher level of sophistication to his superiors as appropriate.

I also feel that there has been an immense amount of growth on a personal level…and still a lot more growing to do as I learn more about myself, where I am strong and where I am weak. There are times when I feel the Prayer of Confession is a bit more heartfelt, I can tell you! Living in Key West is a very good introduction into what it means to live as a public figure, for in a small town, there is little chance of anonymity as there is in a major metropolitan area. You are also exposed people from every walk of life, high and low, established and transient, and they all deserve the inherent respect and dignity due to them as beings made in the image of God, even when privately you may think you have no use for them.

Financially, things here are quite different. This island at end of US-1 is as costly as living in Manhattan, and one is blessed if they are able to find the resources to live half as comfortably here as one might there. Finally, being at St. Peter’s has been a remarkable experience. We are a small, but diverse parish with a great many gifts to bring to the wider community. I have witnessed and participated in evangelism happening on a front porch, I have seen a music director step in a draw gifts out of people that they didn’t know existed, and the Vicar has been gracious enough to allow me to preach in his pulpit on occasion as well as be a jack-of-all-trades/swing-man in the altar party. Each and every service at St. Peter’s, regardless of my level of participation evokes the same sense of being in exactly the right place and the right time, a sense of fulfillment, and a sense of “rubber meeting the road” from just over six years ago.

Working it All Out

Over the course of the next few months, I had a series of meetings with my Rector, the Associate Rector, and several members of a newly formed parish Discernment Committee and went before the Vestry. I received a formal recommendation from the parish and then applied through the Diocesan Offices and took the usual battery of psychological tests and background checks as per the Canons of the Church. Shortly thereafter, I met with the Canon for Ministry, where she described the process going forward as well as how seminary selection works. After the meeting, I received a letter from her stating that it would be best to put off the Discernment Process for a time so I could focus a few things, such as some leadership skills and working with a Spiritual Director.
In the following years, I helped to reconstitute New York’s chapter of Integrity (an Advocacy organization for LGBT Episcopalians) and served as Convenor of the chapter for three years. In that time, we were able to get a solid core of individuals to help grow the chapter and hosted several different fundraising and social events. We were also a contact group for the various Episcopal parishes in the Diocese for New York’s Pride Parade in June, and we were able to get all of the parishes to march en masse. That fall we held our first Integrity Eucharist after many years and I preached for the first time. My colleagues felt that it was appropriate since I was Convenor and they also knew I had gotten into the habit of writing reflections on the Lectionary for certain Sundays (many of which can be found if you click on the sermons/reflections tag in the tag cloud on the sidebar). As I climbed the steps to the pulpit and began the sermon I had prepared, the sense of being exactly in the right place and time came back. The experience was reminiscent of what happened on Christmas Day which i mentioned in the last post.

I also sat on the Diocesan LGBT Concerns Subcommittee (which is part of the larger Social Concerns Commission) for a term of three years, which helped me to get a better understanding of how the polity of our church works at a diocesan level. I worked with a therapist for a year which helped me to get more in touch with myself including what brings joy, pain, anxiety. This time proved to be a well placed investment as the increased self-awareness I believe will help me to have a deeper empathy for what others go through. I also found a Spiritual Director through General Seminary and am still in contact with her. We speak monthly over the phone, and when I visit New York, I make it a point to see her. One of the greatest gifts that I have gained from that experience is the realization that in pastoral settings, I am neither ‘the healer’ nor ‘the fixer.’ Those are things that only Jesus does as The Great Physician. As priest and pastor, I feel that I better serve the pastoral needs of others by being present with them, walking with them and sharing in their joys, pains, sorrows, triumphs and defeats.

In addition to my parish involvement on the altar guild and serving in other various liturgical functions as needed, I had annual meetings with the Canon for Ministry as well as bi-monthly meetings with the parish Discernment Committee. I always felt that I had their support in the process and they believed in my sense of vocation, but there was some pieces missing before I could go forward, especially on the leadership front. However, I also experienced a deep sense of frustration as if the opportunity to develop the “muscles for ministry” my former diocese was seeking simply would not reveal itself. I felt at a loss as to what to do, and at times simply wanted to process to be resolved one way or the other. The only answer I received on all sides was “not yet.”

The period between my initial letter from the Diocese of New York and my departure to Key West may be best described as one of tension. Sometimes I felt as if I wanted to give up and that it would be all-so-very easy to turn away and live a life of relative comfort in a great city than to continue in what felt like limbo and not knowing where I would end up. During these few years, in spite of all the frustrations of a process that appeared to be stalled for an indefinite period of time, I kept at it. Through various conversations in person and through social media, I learned the nature of ordained ministry was changing … dwindling are the days when newly minted priest would find a traditional position as a curate complete with housing, benefits and stipend. Part-time clergy may be the norm in a decade or so, and like St. Paul, clergy may need to find ways to supplement their income from what their parish may be able to provide. The nature of what it means to be the Church is changing, even though the work of mission and the call to bring Christ to the world has not. Many times, I also felt rudderless, as if I were searching for missing pieces which would allow things to move forward. Throughout this period, my love for The Episcopal Church did not wane, my trust in the Discernment Process did not waver, and I remained persuaded that I was following where God was leading me, even though it was one step at a time with no real indication of where the next step would lead. What kept me on the path I had started was a trust that God’s will would be done, and an abiding assurance that being faithful to my sense of vocation was the right thing to do, even knowing the outcome is not guaranteed.

Rubber, meet Road.

To get a better understanding of what we mean when we say a sense of calling or vocation, let’s think in general terms first…

Have you ever done something or have been a part of something that brought you so much fulfillment that you could not think of doing anything else?  I mean to the point where what you were doing or were a part of touched you so deeply it is like you are discovering that THAT GREAT BIG  THING is actually a part of you to the very core. That is how I can best describe a sense of vocation.

Well, actually you could think of doing something else with your time and talents, but after having done that GREAT BIG THING THAT WAS SO AWESOME your life would be all right, and you might even be happy, content and comfortably well-off, but you wouldn’t feel complete.    Not everyone has this sense.  Or maybe they do and they just don’t act on it.  It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with a religious life, per se.  One of my dearest friends has spent his entire life promoting the Fine Arts and Music in one form or another.  That is who he is and what he stands for.  That is vocation as well.
As you may have read earlier from the earliest stages of my life, I have been involved with the Church of God in its many varied expressions and felt the stirrings of vocation in my late teens. Due to internal conflicts regarding my sexual orientation and the fact that no expression of the Body of Christ where I felt at home was ready to have an openly gay person serving in ordained ministry, thoughts and aspirations of ministry were put aside until I came to The Episcopal Church. All of this still begs the questions, however, “At what point did I feel the sense of calling? At what point did I sense that God was calling me pursue ordination in The Episcopal Church after all this time?”
One Christmas Day, my parish in New York, was having its regularly scheduled service. Due to an oversight on the acolyte and altar guild rota, I found myself serving as serving as Crucifer, Lector, Acolyte and Chalice Bearer, some of these duties I had not done before! I was able to get through the service with some help from our priests and going by memory of watching those in the altar party. Once the elements of the Eucharist were prepared I took my place alongside the clergy as the Rector began the Eucharist. As the choir and congregation began to sing the hymn “Holy Holy Holy is the Lord,” it was almost as if the veil between heaven and earth had become much thinner. I felt as if I were standing in exactly the right place at the right time and there was nowhere else that I should have or could have been. This sense continued while the Eucharist continued, especially as I offered the chalice to those who came forward to receive. It was this experience, this sense of “NOW” which reawakened my sense of calling which had been dormant for many years. Little did I know that the sense of “NOW” was only the first step to a long process. Much like the muscles in our body, gifts for ministry and leadership which are not put to use need to be put back into shape or even rehabilitated before they may be put to work for the Kingdom.

So, what else?

And so that is how I arrived here two years ago. The anniversary of my arrival is coming up in a week, so I guess it is natural one spends some time reflecting on how they got to where they are and where they might be going after such a huge move.

I suppose it makes sense at this point to talk more about what I have been doing since I got here.

My Facebook friends know that I got involved with a Ghost Tour of all things and that is currently the main way I earn my living. The juxtaposition of wanting to be a priest and being the manager of a Ghost Tour has caused more than one eyebrow to be raised I can assure you! I do have to say, though, that i have learned quite a bit about leadership while I’ve been in this job, especially when it comes to dealing with the many different personalities of the people you work with.

Also, more than one person has asked me about that sense of calling thing that led to believe this totally crazy and insane move from There to Here was something worth doing. So perhaps I can talk about that next.

From the Crossroads of the World to the End of the Road

I was confirmed in the Episcopal Church and became a member of Grace on May 1, 2005. Confirmation held special meaning for me, as it symbolized a commitment to the life and work of the Episcopal Church. My involvement with my previous faith communities thus far had been in the music programs and choirs, and I had originally sought out this avenue as a way of participating in a ministry of sorts. As it turned out, my parish was rather strict about requirements for membership in the choir and the number of members it had. This actually turned out to be a blessing, for I was able to pursue opportunities for ministry that I had either had not tried or had little involvement. Before I knew it, I was a lay reader, a member of the Altar Guild, heading up the refreshment time for our Sunday evening service, and a member of our Outreach Committee!

After quite a long journey, I had achieved a certain plateau in my life. My “day job” as an executive assistant in a private investment bank afforded me a decent standard of living, internal wounds had been healed, and I found a church where I could be involved. While enjoying the fruits of my labor, I began to reflect on my life and how I had gotten to this point, and invariably I would go back to my time at the Academy where I enjoyed a ministry of my own, to some degree. I began to feel that tug again towards a life of deeper service. I find myself experiencing a certain “flow” in the work of the church, as well as a satisfaction in working to advance the kingdom of God through a lectionary reflection which I periodically post on my blog, and continuing to participate in the various services in my parish, the sense of calling has only gone deeper. I entered into the discernment process at Grace and worked with the Discernment Committee and the Canon for Ministry to develop what they referred to as the “muscles” for ordained life. Four years later, I began to feel frustrated as it seemed that goal posts which were set and later met were moved down the road a farther. I do not believe that either my parish or my diocese at the time questioned my commitment to The Episcopal Church or a sense of calling, but issues of supply and demand for clergy as well as the escalating costs of seminary kept delaying the process.

In the fall of 2009, I received notice that I was to be laid off. After some soul searching and conversations with friends, the priest who was shepherding me through the discernment process, and my spiritual director, it was suggested that this might be a good time to perhaps look at another diocese to continue as the process in New York would most likely stretch out another five years. One of the suggestions was the Diocese of Southeast Florida, as I had been vacationing in Key West for a few years and had gotten to know the good folks at St. Peters as well as Fr. Don Sullivan. Soon, everything began to fall into place as more and more signs pointed towards leaving the city I love and moving into a completely new environment. I arrived in Key West on June 1, 2010, leaving most of my worldly possessions behind and carrying only what would fit into the back of a jeep

From Calvary to Grace to Trinity

In addition to singing in the choir during my two years at Calvary, I was active in other parts of the music program including singing the bass part in a Southern Gospel quartet which I had put together. There was a great sense of teamwork among the four of us … one of us would pick out the songs from old hymn books, another would re-work the harmonies to fit an all male ensemble, and then we would sing during the offertory at services or during special events. Music has always been a core part of my spiritual life. I find that I enjoy singing in small groups more than large choirs or solo pieces. I might have stayed at Calvary Baptist for quite a while, or even considered membership but unfortunately, the messages we began to hear from the pulpit became more and more politically charged as elections drew nearer. I began to seek out other places of worship in an effort to hear the gospel rather than a political agenda cloaked with scripture and other ecclesial trappings. While I was on my search in the Summer of 2004, I noticed that along with the healing and the integration I experienced, I discovered that my outlook on life and my beliefs on what it meant to follow God had changed somewhat, and I began to visit other mainline churches in addition to more moderate leaning evangelical churches. It was at this time that I began to feel drawn to The Episcopal Church. After visiting a few parishes such as St Bartholomew’s near my office and St Clement’s near my home, I ultimately decided to make my home at Grace Church, having discovered it quite by accident some years ago while wandering around the East Village late at night and lost.

I was deeply moved by the liturgy, the music, the appreciation for education … all the things that make up the very best of Anglicanism. I found a breath of fresh air coming into my soul. Here was a place where worship was of great importance; not just worship in song, but through common prayers and scripture readings. The Eucharist, especially the Eucharistic Prayer itself, became even more meaningful in a liturgical setting. My appreciation of the Book of Common Prayer deepened as I explored its different rites of Morning and Evening Prayer, the Eucharist, as well as the other liturgical forms it carried. I found the sermons to be thoughtful, intelligent and pertinent to the season of the Church year and the readings of the day. Another thing which I found to be a great strength of this church is its desire to be Christ to others in this world, which was reflected in its many outreach and relief programs. Coming from traditions where the normal course of events was to divide and walk apart in the wake of a disagreement, I felt I had entered into a place where no part of the body of the Christ is easily willing to say to the other, “I need you not.” When the Episcopal Church and the broader Anglican Communion is working and acting at its best, I believe that, like with the before mentioned ensemble singing, we get yet another glimpse into what God is like as Trinity: a being of unity, as well as a social deity in relationship, communion and conversation with “God’s-self.” Different voices, different parts, but all singing the same song